Funny Thing About Christmas
by Lady Scarring
Summary: AU Add one perverted Santa Claus, one sulky elf, a few hundred kids, a handful of glitter, and a gift certificate, and what do you get? One messed up holiday. KaiOC


Uhh… This was meant to be a Christmas/Holiday gift to you all, but… Obviously I didn't finish in time. Sorry about that! I'm always late… And it's even later than it could be because I finished this at my grandparents' house and couldn't upload it until I got back home…

Anyway, just wanted to wish everyone Happy Holidays and all. Here's my gift to you. Enjoy! (And yeah, I'm still working on my other fic, _Against All Authority_. An update should be around before the 5th.)

Disclaimer: Beyblade and its characters belong to Aoki Takao-sama. The story and Riley Taylor, however, belong to me.

* * *

_Funny Thing About Christmas_

_– __Midnight__ Insanity –_

* * *

"This is a load of crap. I _hate_ Christmas and I _hate_ kids!" Riley Taylor jammed a green pointed hat on over her silver hair and glared hatefully at the scene that had been covered in plastic candy canes not an hour before. The ground had been dusted with powdery white cotton – at least, that's what it _looked_ like – and several small Christmas trees – plastic, of course – had been placed in strategic points along the path that led to Santa's chair. To add insult to injury, Riley had been forced to put on a disgustingly cheerful and elfish costume along with the job that came with it: handing out candy canes to the little boys and girls after they got to sit on Santa's lap.

"Oh, shut up," Tala Volkov said sulkily, arms crossed over a red-clad chest. Clothed almost entirely in red with the exceptions of black boots, gloves, and belt, with a bushy white beard hanging around his neck and a wig to match, Tala looked very much the part of Santa Claus. Save the jolly twinkle and rosy cheeks part, of course. "You don't have to have kids on your lap all day."

"I'm wearing _tights_," Riley hissed through gritted teeth, amethyst eyes blazing with fury. "And a _skirt!_ I look like the Playboy Christmas special!"

The redhead's aqua eyes shone and he leered at her. "Actually, the Christmas special showed more skin – OW! You hate Santa, not me!"

"At least _Santa_ isn't a _pervert!_"

Riley decked him with a candy cane just as the door opened to reveal the plump form of Mister Dickinson. "How are things here?" he asked cheerfully. Far too cheerful to have seen the display that had taken place a moment before.

"Peachy." Riley glared at Tala, who was not even bothering to try to hide his grin.

"Wonderful! The children always love this event." The old man smiled brilliantly at the pair. "The door opens in ten minutes." He smiled again as he ducked out of the dressing room, shutting the door behind him.

"I hate him."

Tala rolled his eyes and decided against replying. Instead he stood and grabbed the pillow he had been given for the appearance of having a large belly, which was laughable considering that Tala Volkov was twenty-three and had a strong, lean body that a vast number of girls – along with a few guys – drooled over on many an occasion. Unfortunately, he also knew this and tended to flaunt it shamelessly.

Riley turned to tie her long hair into a sort of knot that fell to her waist, thin strands of tinsel the only thing she could use to tie it. Mariah had appeared a half hour before to fix her makeup – something that Riley refused to touch and had to be tied down to put it on, which Tala had only been too happy to do – and now her eyelids, cheeks, throat, shoulders, and hair were dusted with glitter, lips shimmering with a faint trace of gloss that tasted of cotton candy. Her outfit was some sort of green combination of a tank top and short skirt that were both lined with garland and reminded her more of Peter Pan than of an elf. The tights were red – of course – and her green sneakers had been tied with bells. When Riley had demanded to know why Mariah couldn't be the elf, the neko-jin had stated quite plainly that green wasn't her color, thank you, and she had housework to do.

Riley wanted to throw a fit. Her face felt stiff from the makeup and the costume made her feel naked. Worse still, she had to be seen in _public_ like this.

"Merry Christmas my _ass_," she ground out, tugging on the skirt in a vain attempt to make it cover more of her legs.

"And what a nice ass it is," the redhead said appreciatively, reclining in his chair as he watched her whirl around to fix him with a venomous glare. Just to annoy her further, he allowed his gaze to drift over her entire figure, tracing every curve until he met the faint trace of pink on her cheeks and then her flaming amethyst eyes.

"That's harassment, _Santa_," she snapped, fists clenched until her knuckles were white in the effort to keep herself from punching his lights out. "And I'm married."

Tala chose not to comment on the fact that she had never used her marriage as leverage before.

Before a verbal battle could be started, a knock sounded on the door and they turned in time to hear "Time to see the kids, Santa!"

With a smirk, Tala brought the fluffy white beard up to cover his mouth and made his way to the door. "Showtime, Spitfire."

Fuming, Riley followed him out into the mall and was immediately accosted with the sounds of screaming kids, harried mothers trying to preserve order, an overly cheerful Mister Dickinson, and several catcalls that were silently promised a lynching later on. "I'll get you back for that, Red," she hissed through her bright smile, discreetly elbowing him sharply in the ribs before she moved to stand beside the enormous chair.

"I'll be looking forward to it," Tala breathed in her ear before turning to the children. "Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, kids!"

Riley suppressed the urge to roll her eyes – although it was extremely difficult – and stepped forward to take the slightly slimy hand of a little boy to lead him to Santa's chair. _Oh, gross…_ "Here ya go, sweetheart," she said as kindly as she could, lifting the boy by the waist and setting him in Tala's lap.

"Well hello there, son! Have you been good this year?"

The little boy nodded vigorously. "Yes, Santa!"

"Ho, ho, ho! Okay then, what do you want for Christmas?"

"A train! A train with tracks and lights and a doggy."

There turned out to be quite a few requests similar to the train with tracks, lights, and a doggy. There were also several fire trucks, action figures, dolls, video games, and the odd football. Most of the children had slimy hands and wriggled when Riley had to pick them up, but two of them seemed to have been frightened by the idea of approaching the young man disguised as Santa Claus and had started screaming.

Riley decided, with a hidden grin, that this could quite possibly provide blackmail material for three years straight. However, she was still planning a brutal death for Johnny McGregor, who had been the one to rope her into this blasted situation in the first place. Even with the vast fortune behind her, she was still a sucker for gift cards to her favorite stores at the mall.

* * *

Two hours later Santa and his elf were allowed to go on a break, much to the relief of them both. Tala stayed in the gingerbread house-slash-dressing room with a hamburger and coke while Riley wandered to see what she could find in the food court.

Not ten minutes after the twenty-year-old left did a visitor appear at the door of the dressing room in the form of her husband. Upon seeing Tala's costume, he smirked. "Hey, Santa."

"Funny. What are you doing here?" the redhead asked after swallowing a mouthful of hamburger.

Kai Hiwatari brushed strands of slate hair out of his eyes. "Looking for the Pixie. McGregor said she was here."

Tala lifted a crimson brow in amusement. _Something happen between them?_ First Riley admitted that she was married, and now this. Tala pointed with his straw to the door. "Food court. She'll be back in a while." Kai nodded absently, his eyes wandering to the heap of clothes on the floor that he immediately recognized as his wife's. Tala watched him with interest as he silently mulled over what little he knew of the changing relationship between his childhood friend and the multibillion-dollar man that sat across from him. He hadn't liked Hiwatari at all when they had first met, but after several casual meetings – arranged by Riley, who went stir-crazy after three days of not romping around in the city – he had gotten to know him and found that he wasn't so bad. If they had met earlier and under a different situation, they probably would have grown up as best friends.

Kai startled him from his thoughts by speaking. "You got a lot of kids coming in?"

"Yeah." He grinned and added, "It's kinda funny watching the parents, though." Upon seeing the mildly curious look he was getting, he continued. "I think they drag the little brats here just to get them off their hands for five minutes."

"Anything for Santa," Kai said with a smirk gracing his lips.

Tala winked and brought the beard up to his face, patting his knee. "And what is it that you would like for Christmas, little boy?" he asked in a deep, pseudo-Santa voice.

That smirk – which Riley could sometimes be caught complaining about – broadened and crimson eyes darkened with an unreadable emotion. "Wouldn't you like to know."

Elegant brows rose in amusement and after a moment of silence, Tala let out a loud bark of laughter. "Huh, good luck with that one!"

* * *

"Riley?"

Said young woman looked up from her lunch and regarded the navy-haired man with an impatient look. "Yes?"

_"Riley?!"_

Amethyst eyes gazed heavenward almost as if to ask for divine intervention to deal with the chronically stupid. "I think we established that the _last_ time you said 'Riley?'"

"Sorry." He didn't look sorry at all. "I just… You look different." His comment was directed toward her clothes, which were still the parody of an elf's because she had been far too lazy to change out of them and then back into them after a half hour.

Riley rested her chin in the palm of her hand, toying with the straw in her mouth with her tongue. "Say _one_ word, and I kill you, Takao."

Takao Kinomiya was never one to take threats at face value when he should. "You actually look like a _girl!_" He rubbed the back of his head in complete bafflement, staring at her without the least bit of appreciation for privacy. Then again, he never did.

Full pink lips still stained with gloss twitched agitatedly, silver brows furrowing as she suddenly stopped playing with the straw. "Takao," she said slowly, her voice dripping with malice. "Do you have any idea of how _painful_ it is to get _stabbed_ with a _candy cane_?"

This seemed to get through the dense exterior of the bluenette's mind and he paused, staring at her uncertainly. "Umm… Should I run?"

Riley tilted her head to the side in mock pensiveness. "I think that depends on whether you want to keep your balls or not." A sadistic grin began forming on her face and the older boy began to back away from her, knowing from past experiences that that particular grin meant pain and torment for its victim.

"O-okay, then… I'll just uhh…be going…now. Yeah." Takao stumbled a few steps and then added in a rush, "MerryChristmasRileyyoulookgoodbye!"

Riley gazed after his swiftly retreating form with a blank expression, her straw caught between fore- and middle fingers. "Well that was interesting…"

* * *

"Thank God this is over, I have a headache." Riley collapsed in the Santa chair as the last of the props were packed up and dragged into the storeroom, her hand immediately reaching upward to pull off the elf hat and throw it behind her. "I have never seen so many boogers in my _life_."

"You might as well thank him for saving you from getting boogers _on_ you, while you're at it," Tala said with a very disgusted look, tossing his gloves, hat, and beard on the floor. "If I get sick, I'm suing the little shits."

"I'm sure a quarter will do you a great deal of good," Riley muttered from beneath her arm. She lay lounged on the chair with her legs hanging over the side and her head resting on the back, one arm thrown over her face to block the lights from shining in her eyes.

"It will if I use it to buy a gumball and choke 'em with it."

Riley lifted her arm long enough to give the redhead an amused look. "Cool it, Santa. You're supposed to be perfect."

"Oh, and what about you, greenie?" Tala huffed, arms crossed over his lumpy – due to the slowly deflating pillow – chest.

"Elves are supposed to have faults," she said breezily, waving her hand dismissively. "Santa is the perfect nice, jolly old fat guy. Get with the program, Red."

"Is this for earlier?"

"No, this is for now. I'll have my revenge on that later."

"You make no sense."

"Sure I do, just not to you."

Tala threw his jacket at her, which she ignored, and lifted a hand in farewell as he grabbed his keys. "Whatever you say, Spitfire. Try not to kill too many people for Christmas cheer, m'kay?"

Riley waved her hand at him, brushing the jacket off of her face in the process. "Yeah, yeah…" Her lids slowly closed over her eyes as the door clicked shut, leaving her alone in the storeroom; at least until the other volunteers showed up to help pack up the props, that is. Despite the fact that she would like nothing better in the world at that moment to take a nice hot bath and get out of the stupid costume, she was simply too tired. Being around the endless amounts of childish energy sapped what strength she had. Now she was ready for a nap.

"You know… Funny thing about Christmas: no one ever asks Santa what _he_ wants," a smooth voice said from nearby. A warm hand touched her shoulder and she adjusted her body to allow him to pick her up. She was far too tired to argue, anyway, although she vaguely wondered how he had gotten in, or even found her for that matter. She hadn't told him where she was going that morning.

"So?" she mumbled sleepily, opening one eye to gaze up into the crimson orbs shadowed with strands of icy slate. She felt him sit down, strong arms moving her onto his lap, hands sliding to curl around her waist and rest on her thigh. "Who cares?"

He shifted beneath her, his free hand moving to pick up the Santa hat that Tala had discarded not so long ago and plop it on her head. For now, she decided to ignore it. "I do."

Amused, and vaguely curious to see where he was going with this, a silver brow lifted, her mouth curving in a slight smile. "Oh? And what does Santa want?"

Even as he adopted a thoughtful expression, his crimson eyes darkened to a smoldering flame that sent a shiver down her spine. Over the course of the year they had been married, she had gotten to know the way he worked very well, including the way his eyes tended to change when... Well.

"A lot of things…" he said dismissively, that infuriating smirk toying at the corners of his lips. And was it just her imagination, or was he closer than he had been before? Her eyes slid closed just as he pressed a kiss to her lips and she found herself smiling despite his annoying smirk. He gently nibbled on her bottom lip, causing a soft sigh to escape her as she melted into his embrace, lips parting to accept his silent invitation. She felt him smile, his arms tightening around her slender body to hold her close, the subtle scent of mint filling her nose. He always smelled of winter; crisp and cold like snow, but he tasted like the dark chocolate that she loved. Warm, sweet, and the sort that melted in your mouth and made you hunger for more.

As much as she hated his cold arrogance and infuriating silence, she had found a softer, more playful side to him that she rather liked. Granted, it had taken quite a lot of pestering and prodding to bring it out, but once she had found it… Well, maybe those annoying things about him weren't quite so annoying after all. Maybe they were kind of…well…_cute_.

"Although…I think a bell for his wife would suffice," he murmured, pulling away slightly so she could see the mischievous glint in his eyes.

_Or maybe they really are just annoying,_ she thought as she socked him hard on the arm.

* * *

_– Fin –

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_

Uwaha… Okay. Yeah, this is kinda related to _Against All Authority_, but not really… Same world, same beginning and relationship and all, but this doesn't happen at all in the _AAA_ plotline… If that makes any sense at all.

Okay, I gave you my gift! Now please give me yours! XD Review!

Happy Holidays!

– Midnight Insanity


End file.
